One thing I would like to do with this blog is give people an opportunity to share their stories with us. Some have done this through the comments on other posts, but I would like to devote a page to this so they are all in one place. Children of divorce all have very unique experiences, depending on the age we were, what events took place, what siblings we had (if any), etc. If you would like to share your story with us, please e-mail your story to me at mindyrichmond (at) comcast (dot) net and I will post it to our “Your Stories” page. I will keep it entirely anonymous unless you request otherwise.
Thank you!
September 24, 2006 at 7:48 pm
My dad fell in love with the neighbor before I was a year old, and he was married to her before I was three. That neighbor, who was married with two of her own children at the time , was also my mother’s friend. This is bad enough in of iteself. But the real tragedy is having to grow up not feeling as though I could be honest with my father on my weekend visits with him and his new family. I hated visiting them because my father was not so involved…he just watched t.v. for 48 hours. What’s worse is that before I can remember, my sister and I called his new wife “mom” on those visits. We were too young to make a choice to do so and, seeing as how young children typically want to please their parents, we would never have disputed the issue. But I hated it. I lived with and loved my own mother and felt as though I was betraying her. I never even told my mother and she never knew until I was in my teens.
I guess what makes me so angry is the fact that this other woman (my stepmother) just inserted and forced herself into our lives without the slightest bit of remorse.
I also found her to be a bit of a bully and an intimidator, something I discovered over the years on my own. My father would like to believe my mother tainted my (or my sister’s) thoughts, but he and his wife will have to take full credit for this.
My mother never prevented me from visiting my father despite my crying and obvious resistance to go over there. In fact, my mother pushed me to have a relationship with him–and his new family.
Anyway, it took me until I was in my mid-twenties to stand up for myself and tell my stepmother that I no longer wanted to address her as “mom.” This, of course, caused quite a rift. The sad truth is that my dad and his wife were the most immature people in this situation. Not only were they arrogant enough to sneak around and have an affair, but they actually consider themselves better, smarter people. (I guess because financially they are better off. To them this is proof that they are better parents, better human beings, etc.) I believe they actually enjoyed humiliating my mother and making it seem as though she wasn’t good enough for my father. (my stepmother is the kind of person who still believes doctors and lawyers are the best marriage material–how offensive!)
I wonder what other kids of divorce in which one parent had an affair experience. The remarriage of one parent to a person with whom he/she had an affair is just a bad, bad situation all around. The affair cannot be kept secret forever. Although I was young when the affair occurred, my sister was six years old. My stepbrother was six as well and my stepsister was four.
I think my father and his new wife tried to sweep the affair under the rug and make it seem as though they got together after separating from their original spouses. Boy, what a sneaky and patronizing thing to do. No one is that naive to believe such a story. How embarrassing for them!
My apologies for my anger. I was the kind of kid who repressed my feelings for fear of hurting my father. As a result, that anger is relieving itself throughout my 30s. (another reason why I wouldn’t marry at this time. I wouldn’t want to subject an innocent man to my anger and sadness until I’ve really worked through the feelins.)
Thank you for this forum. It’s another way to help relieve the anger–and the guilt for feeling angry even though children of divorce have every right to be, well, livid!
December 22, 2006 at 4:41 am
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