Dos and Don’ts for Parents
Posted by Meant to be Mel under
For Parents
[6] Comments
Courtesy of Kids In the Middle:
Do…
Allow children to openly express their own feelings.
Listen to your children and validate their feelings.
Let children know about changes such as visitation, moving, new school, etc.
Reassure your children that the divorce was not their fault.
Emphasize the finality of the divorce.
Spend quality time with each child.
Be consistent with rules, expectations and discipline.
Protect your child from parental conflict.
Provide a safe and stable environment.
Don’t…
Assess blame. Children shouldn’t be taking sides.
Talk negatively about the other parent.
Overburden your children with emotional or financial concerns.
Use children as message carriers to the other parent.
Make your child your confidant – remain the adult and parent.
Allow your children to put themselves in the middle of adult conflicts.
Discourage your child’s desire to have a relationship with the other parent or step-parent.
Helping kids cope with the split. 
July 31, 2006 at 4:19 pm
What do you do when the other parent routinely hits the “don’t” list? How do you counteract what you feel is an all-out assault on your relationship with the children by the other parent?
I’m asking honestly…….
July 31, 2006 at 5:14 pm
That’s a really good question. As a stepmom to a 9 year old, who’s mother does a number of things on the “don’t” list, its very hard to stick to just the “do’s”. But, I think at least for us, actions speak louder than words. We do not put her down for her way of parenting. And we certainly don’t let our son see that we don’t agree with his mom. Although the don’t list can be damaging to a child. I’m hoping that our love and respect – no matter what – will help that much more. It is very hard for us to hide the “battle” from him. He feels it, but can’t understand it. Kids can’t help but feel responsible. We just constantly reassure him.
July 31, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I agree Kari.
But the “Protect the child from parental conflict” is very difficult when one party is intent on doing the exact opposite.
As far as not letting him see you disagree with her, there is a line there too—in my opinion. A certain amount of disagreement is natural in adult relationships (even ones that aren’t divorce) and it is important to stand your ground on things that matter to you. For example, my stepsons (who are 8 and 9—and live with us) get in A LOT of trouble for lying. Their mother, who is a pathological liar, not only lies to them but encourages them to lie. At some point, in order to teach them the right thing, you have to show a disagreement.
I guess my frustration is in that the Do’s and Don’ts are obvious in good parenting, but what do you do when the other person doesn’t play by the rules? Do you let them continue to poison the kids against you or do you make a stand? I’m starting to see that it is going to hurt no matter what, so shouldn’t you stand for the right thing? (And believe me, I have spent so much time deflecting their questions about her lies. I’ve gotten really good at, “She must have forgot” and “She must be mistaken” or “She didn’t mean to say that” or “Are you sure that’s what she meant?”)
July 31, 2006 at 7:41 pm
This is a great question and to be honest, I don’t really know the best way to answer it. Is your husband able to discuss these issues with his ex? Is there a way he can sit down and talk to her and come to some agreements about parental guidelines? Successful parenting after divorce requires that both mom and dad be able to put aside their emotions and focus on the children. Kids in the Middle has some great suggestions for this. Unfortunately, you cannot change someone else’s behavior. You can only control how each of you respond to the situation and hope that eventually she starts to follow suit.
July 31, 2006 at 8:16 pm
“Is your husband able to discuss these issues with his ex?”
I pray for this almost daily. The problem is, I honestly believe that she is mentally ill and the only consistancy she has shown is her desire to completely undermine our home no matter what we try to do.
She is focusing on the children. Focusing on using them for her own purpose, be it financial or personal. My husband and I have taken a lot of hits personally to keep the boys from knowing what was going on or from feeling too much of what is happening. The problem is, how much can we take without hurting us and our children. We have a 2 year old and another one on the way in October. I am unwilling to sacrifice them and their life to continue to protect my stepsons from their mother’s unstable behavior. I love my stepsons, but we all have personal boundaries.
August 1, 2006 at 8:36 pm
That is a tough situation. My situation is a bit different because my stepson does not live with us. He does know that we disagree with his mom on rules, as far as no tv when its time for bed, and no rated R movies – he’s 9. We stick to our rules when he is with us, and he knows this when he comes to visit.
But, what I hide from him is when he came for a visit, and two days later she took him back because she hadn’t gotten a check from us yet. He doesn’t need to know that, because he would misinterpret the situation in thinking that its his fault. Instead we just say, we don’t want you to go, but you have to. It kills me that he might think that it was our decision, but I guess you trade out evils.
I guess I believe to stick to your morals, but try not to put the other parent down for theirs. Our children will grow up and will ultimately have to decide which path to take, I just want to make sure there is a good one.